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Jokes
of Old
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A guy walks into a
bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting there by herself.
He sits down next to her...looks her up and down carefully,
then looks at his watch.
The woman notices this and says, "Do you have
a date or something? I noticed you looking at
me and then your watch."
The man tells her, "Actually, this is a rather special
watch. Doesn't tell time at all, but it does
tell me other things."
Intrigued, the woman turns to him and says, "Oh really...what
is the watch telling you?"
"Well, if you must know, it told me you aren't wearing
any panties."
The woman laughs and says, "Really? Well I
can tell you right now your watch is wrong."
The man looks down and taps on the watch face and
says, "Oh, I guess it's an hour fast."
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| You
know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone the front
office and say, "I've got a leak in the sink."
And they say, "Go ahead!"
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| Two
robbers are talking in their shared jail cell.
The first one asks, "What are you in for?"
"I'm here for something I didn't do," replied
the other.
"So you're innocent? What didn't you do?"
"I didn't run fast enough."
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| A man asked his wife what
she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again,"
she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got
her up bright and early and off they went to a local
theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall
of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park,
her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right
to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered
her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest
Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed
into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well,
dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.
"You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening,
he's still gonna get it wrong.
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| A Moody Wife
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought
me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to
monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm
in a bad mood it leaves a big freakin' red mark on
his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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| An airline's passenger
cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend,
he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the
passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely
people, so if you could just put up your trays that
would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a
well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved
a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo
so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called
a Queen, so I outrank you. "Tray-up bitch."
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Blonde in Pain
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried
because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked
concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It
hurts everywhere!"
The doctor looked at her and said, "Don't worry;
it's not serious. You've got a broken index finger."
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Billy Bob and his brother Lester were talking one afternoon
when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon
I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where
to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went
to Hawaii and Daisy Mae got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,
and Daisy Mae got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Daisy
Mae didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do
this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking her with
me."
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A Simple Joke
Two men are walking down the street...
I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.
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Why are New Yorkers always depressed? The light at
the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
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There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that
by the year 2020, there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections, and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them.
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A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He
approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've
lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big
tits."
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