Jokes of Old

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.  There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.  After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.  She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.  So, They buried her.

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yea," and woman said, "And another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em." And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

President Bush was visiting a primary school in New Orleans and he dropped in on one of the classes that had just opened after Hurricane Katrina.  They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."  So President Bush asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that.....would that be a tragedy?"

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children away from the recent flood waters drove over a cliff killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I am afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.  "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised hand. In a.....quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a friendly-fire missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right, now tell me and the class why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a friggen' accident either."

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his new apartment.  The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friends ask him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk guy replies.  "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work."

The drunk guy picks up a hammer and slams it against the gong, making an ear-shattering sound.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole!  It's 3:30 in the morning!"

Why are old men in nursing homes given Viagra?

So they don't roll out of bed.

Fun With Telemarketers

Me: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T.

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: Ok, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid five minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: Seven days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: Three hundred and sixty-five days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making the payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but...

Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...

Me: There you go again! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food...

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem. I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing, because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.

AT&T: (click)

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, "I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, What 20 Million American Women Want.

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

A man goes to the confessional and begins, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," says the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Father again.

"Well, no," says the man.

"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed priest.

"No, not yet," the man replies.

"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The Priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

Proof that global warming is real:

A man walks into a bar one night, goes up to the bar, and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

"That's right." The barman replied.

So the guy glanced over at the menu, and asked, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replied the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?"

"Four cents," the barman said.

"Four cents?! Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replied, "Upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender smiled. "Same as what I'm doing to his business."