Jokes of Old

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Clyde Belmont has a brush with Death.

All in all, it hadn't been a good day.

A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests of fish...

The next time you send me an e-mail telling me how much you love me,,,

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services...

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"

A nurse walks into a bank.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

The teacher said, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree...

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading...

Proof that global warming is real:

A man walks into a bar one night, goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

The original computer

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book...

A man goes to the confessional and begins, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his new apartment.

Why are old men in nursing homes given Viagra?

Fun with telemarketers

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters...

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth...

President Bush was visiting a primary school in New Orleans...

Proof that bird flu has been found at Disney

A husband and wife are traveling by car across the country.

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother...

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers.

John was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed...

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida, looking for a job.

Got Kids?

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

My kids love going on the internet...

A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall, attractive blonde woman.

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

Two men are playing golf...

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town...

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday...

A group of ex-kindergarten kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

Chemistry Exam Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

How to spot a rich guy...

One day, during lessons on proper grammar...

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast, so he told his mother.

I voted Republican this year...

A big, hulking hooligan walks into a bar...

The newest postcards from Florida

The Guide to Living in Florida

The sperm bank

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in the mirror

Men's Rules - The guy's side of the story

The definition of Procrastination

Dear Abby...

Jane walked into a pharmacy...

Scott stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position...

The best break-up letter...EVER

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.

Upon completing all creation God rested for a while.

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend last winter to thaw out.

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

My wife is an angel...

The first remote control ever invented

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

One of the worst jokes ever written.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor...

Halloween picture #1

Halloween picture #2

Halloween picture #3

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they weren't going anywhere in life...

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor...

A man stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work...

You are the President of the USA and you've just learned that there is an asteroid headed for France...

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

Blonde in Pain

Billy Bob and his brother Lester were talking one afternoon...

A Simple Joke

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

A Moody Wife

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant...

You know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone the front office...

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell.

Any person caught collecting golf balls...

A couple goes to an art gallery.

Dad, said little Johnny, I'm late for football practice...

If GH could stand for P as in Hiccough...

The young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom

Things you don't say to a cop:

When I was a kid...

Rejected children's book titles

Little Tommy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Hey, kid...do I look hungry?

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Two men are on opposite sides of the earth.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!"

Son: Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.

A man sat at a local bar savoring a double martini when an attractive woman sat down next to him.

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

Martha Stewart's Way vs. My Way

Just in time for Halloween

A farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take to court.

A couple, who had been married for years, were making love.

Two brothers went downstairs for breakfast, where their mother was cooking.

Man's Four Secrets for a Happy Life:

Did you ever notice...

There once a man who worked in a pickle factory.

After I retired, I met a new fishing buddy named Sam.

Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

Random Thoughts

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.

How many men can a redneck girl take at a time?

The Ultimate Male Quiz

The blind man, deaf man and the half-paralyzed man went on a pilgrimage to a healing spring.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.

A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub when his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind."

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

The Seven Dwarves Go to Rome

Two blondes are walking down the street.

An actual excerpt from a classified section of a city newspaper:

A man takes his wife to a livestock show.

How does a man show that he's planning for the future?

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Things Yoda Says Before, During, and After Sex:

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television.

Men's Rules for Women

A Tribute to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllabic words, class."

Men are like fine wine.

Three Hell's Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun and takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.

A doctor walks into the bank.

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

The problem with political jokes is...

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

A man is driving home, when he is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker.

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party.

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

Hallmark cards we'd love to see in stores:

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.

A study in ebonics: each vocabulary word is used in a sentence.

In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my mama get pregnant?"

Did you here the joke about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

A freshman just arrived on campus and he was looking for the library.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.

A couple of guys from Kentucky are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom.

Q:  What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet.

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.

My blonde wife came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy!

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

I got this e-mail the other day and was about to delete it as yet another of the gloom and doom message until I scrolled to the bottom.

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic.

Which do you see, a face or the word "liar."

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

The Importance of Spell Check

Count the black dots

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on observation.

Let me explain...

Inner Strength

A college student was in a philosophy class, which had a discussion about God's existence.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The following is an article from the Sun-Sentinel in Fort Lauderdale, FL:

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.

An old man goes to the doctor to get a check up and his wife goes along with him.

FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support.

This is supposedly actual job application a 17 year-old man submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida:

The following are things people actually said in a court of law, word for word:

A 7-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a class on observation.

A  proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

NEWS FLASH FROM POLAND:

It was the end of the school year.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client.

This is a transcript of a radio conversation of a naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland on October 1995.

Mike  and Sharon don't like discussing sex in front of their young children, so they decide to talk in code.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

They were alone in the house.

A woman went into a pet shop and immediately saw a large beautiful parrot.

When the love ends...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus.

Bobby  was at home doing his math homework.

Dave walks into the bar and sees his friend Jeff huddled at the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.